Why Rushed Closeness Might Not be Closeness

You’ve just met someone really cool. Conversation is flowing, you’re laughing, you’ve broken the touch barrier, and you’re having an overall wonderful time.

You both go home and text each other about how much fun you had. You talk on the phone the next day. And then again in the evening that same day. And then again the next day. 3 times the following the day. Each time, it’s them initiating the call. You’ve gone from talking about their travel plans to them unpacking deep, complicated childhood trauma. It’s been less than a week since you met.

How would you feel?

Intimacy looks different on everyone. There’s no denying there are some people who are quick with establishing seemingly deep connections. Some connections just happen fast and are authentic and sustainable. We even watch them unfold on reality dating shows like Love is Blind, Love Island and Married At First Sight where complete strangers are challenged to couple up and compress the natural phases of a romantic relationship into a matter of weeks and some are very successful at it. But these shows always get my would-be therapist senses tingling. What kind of people apply for these shows? I know some of the contestants are genuinely looking for love, but surely this is a haven for applicants with narcissistic tendencies. I can’t help but cringe at the slow motion emotional car crash that happens when one person in a couple is a raging narcissist.

As much as I hold empathy and compassion for people who seek an immediate closeness with me, my boundary that requires a steady and paced transition from strangers to close friends/romantic interests is super firm. I’ve been love-bombed before and I’m pretty sure it was an attempt to get me hooked so that by the time they revealed their true self, I’d be too attached to leave them. And it worked! It can be a clever manipulation tactic that some people use consciously or unconsciously and it’s very important to me to be aware of this.

As a rule of thumb, I try to stick to people who treat me- to some extent- like a stranger in the very beginning and this is especially the case with romantic interests. It can be a sign of a secure attachment style and healthy boundaries. While it’s okay to come away from a first meeting feeling like there’s potential for closeness, you shouldn’t come away with a vulnerability hangover.

I remember when I first met my last FWB, by the end of our date he had already pulled me onto his lap and had his hands in places I would never allow anyone to explore on a first date now. I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy it, I absolutely did! But now I know that if someone gets that touchy with me that quickly, it’s indicative of what they might be looking for.

There’s beauty in the stranger phase. We should all be curious about each other. I don’t have to know everything about you this time. You don’t have to trust me with the shadowed parts of yourself just yet. We might discover my space for that over a coffee in a few months time, and by then, you’d have a good sense of my emotional capacity and intelligence. Let’s just enjoy the phase we’re in together and be hopeful about the next one. And don’t feel bad if you’re someone who gives a lot of yourself and fast. It doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person or a manipulator. I invite you to slow down, observe more, and trust that time and the right conditions will gently build your closeness to the right people. Because what’s the rush?

What are your thoughts on this? I’m still learning. Have you had a relationship where things moved fast and it worked out fine? Have you had someone love-bomb or trauma dump on you and you had to get tf out of there as soon as possible? Let me know!

Thank you for making it this far and I can’t wait to talk to you soon! Don’t forget to share and subscribe if you want more of these. ❤️