My Friendship Breakup

I want to preface this by saying I’m not an expert on friendship breakups. I’ve only experienced one dramatic friendship breakup, which I’ll speak about in a moment.

Aside from this, I’ve experienced naturally growing distant from acquaintances and quietly pulling away from people who I don’t feel aligned with. This is usually a process welcomed by both parties, so not what I would consider a ‘breakup.’

A friendship breakup, an intentional, grueling process that many argue to be worse than a romantic breakup, usually starts when one or all parties cross a boundary.

For me, it was a friend who had been dating my boyfriend behind my back. Let’s call her Tess. Let’s call my ex-boyfriend Tevin. We were all 16. Tess and I had been—what I assumed to be—close friends since we were 14. Back then, two years was a huge chunk of my life. With that being said, I trusted her when she encouraged me to give the boy in her music class who had a crush on me a chance.

Tevin and I started dating, and in our second year of being together, I found out Tess had been sleeping with Tevin. The situation is far more complicated, humiliating, and heartbreaking than I can articulate, but long story short, Tess never apologized as she was quite unapologetically in love with my boyfriend. I was furious and disgusted with Tevin, but with Tess, it was pure heartbreak. I thought she cared about me the way I did her. I knew that boys come and go, but I was so used to having loyal female friends, I didn’t know one could act like that.

I handled that very public situation as privately as I could. It felt like everybody knew about it. For them, it was juicy gossip. For me, it was excruciating pain. It took me a long time to accept that I wouldn’t get an apology and that there was no chance of reconciliation. In that time, the most healing thing was my best friend Pam, who determinedly and vehemently reminded me that I did nothing to deserve that betrayal and that I was better off without them.

Now at 29, I have a handful of beautiful friends I’d be devastated to lose, but I know that if I were to experience a friendship breakup again, I’d have the emotional toolbox I need.

For starters, communication is key. To prevent any kind of relationship breakdown, having that tough conversation helps make sense of what’s going wrong and how everyone is feeling.

It can be as simple as arranging a meet-up in a comfortable and private space. I would avoid a restaurant, cafe, and anywhere with too many people around to eavesdrop or interrupt. It’s also best to approach these conversations when you’re emotionally regulated, have had time to reflect, and not feeling defensive. When I experience conflict in my current relationships, I’m learning to de-center myself and make space for everyone’s feelings. I’m not always successful at this. Sometimes I’m absolutely convinced I’m right and that I’ve been misunderstood. But it doesn’t matter how right I am. I have a responsibility to communicate my intention AND that I’m aware I’ve hurt them and I’m genuinely sorry.

If for some reason that doesn’t work, it’s time to evaluate. Is the friendship worth salvaging? If not, the breakup might be necessary. Sometimes, people are better off loving each other from a distance. Unfortunately, there are going to be people in your life who struggle when you set a boundary. There isn’t much you can do after you’ve communicated this boundary multiple times. Walking away is hard, but you’re important and you deserve people in your life who want to maintain a healthy relationship with you.

As with any breakup, you have to cry, hibernate, vent, and let it out. Whatever it takes to express yourself. This is something I’m not very good at. I have to admit, I have a lot of repressed emotions. I grew up in a ‘no tears, no tantrums’ household, so I tend to grieve quietly and slowly. I highly recommend you allow yourself time to mourn the end of the friendship. Don’t rush to feel better and don’t pretend that it’s okay if it’s not.

Reach out to your community. Whether that’s other friends and family, let them know what’s going on and allow them to support you. This will be a great reminder that you still have other beautiful relationships and you’re not alone.

If the relationship was particularly toxic, go no contact. That means no texts, no calls, no looking at their social media pages. This is going to be hard when you’re used to being in regular communication with them, but you’re going to have to go cold turkey if you want to give yourself a chance to move on.

People can be weird, fickle, and kind of unpredictable. Many people are so wrapped up in their own stuff, they don’t know when or how to say sorry. Sorry can go a long way and many of us won’t get that closure we’re longing for from that friend. I had to apologize to myself for what I went through and how it’s f*cked me up. That’s the most I’m going to get.

And I want to say sorry to you. Sorry that the friendship ended. Sorry if you’re hurting. Sorry for what it did to you. You will survive and you might not be the same, but that’s okay. Once upon a time, 18-year-old me thought the heartache would kill me. I’m here now, thankful that I survived and that I learned what to look for in a good friend.

Take care of yourself and remember that you haven’t even met all the beautiful friends you’re going to love in this lifetime.