Welcome to the first of my advice newsletters!
I’m yet to find a special name for it but I’m thinking something like ‘The Therapy Room.’ Since I’m not a practicing therapist at the moment, I thought this would be a nourishing way to use my skills and start some important conversations.
Thank you to Mina for sending this one in. If you want to be featured in the next advice newsletter, send me your questions here or on Instagram. You can also email me at sarahakinola1@hotmail.co.uk. Note that your name and personal information will be changed or omitted to keep your anonymity. I hope you enjoy!
Hi Sarah,
I’ve been following you for a long time and I love your work! I really need some advice. I have a good friend who only talks about herself. Whenever I want to discuss something about me, she makes the conversation about her or comes across like she’s not listening. She’ll start scrolling on her phone or looking around. Then she only replies things like, "hmm that’s nice,” and then changes the subject. We’ve been close since college and now we’re 27. I don’t want to end the friendship but I can’t deal with this anymore. I would appreciate your advice.
Hi Mina,
This is a tough one and your frustration here is so valid. I too would be at my wit’s end if I had a friend who seemed disinterested in what I was talking and constantly diverts the conversation to her thing.
I’ve come across people like this and it’s one of my pet peeves. I’m not great at calling it out as someone who struggles with confrontation, but I’m aware that the only way to overcome this communication issue is to challenge or confront it. Sometimes people have no idea they’re not good active listeners and that there’s a major imbalance in their conversations.
Considering you and your friend are close and have been friends for a long time, I’d like to think there’s enough trust to resolve this without ending the friendship. You could start by challenging it. This might look like briefly acknowledging the change in subject and then diverting the conversation back to what you were saying. When you notice her disengaging, ask a question to bring her back into the space. You could try saying, “what do you think about that? I trust your opinion.” Take note of how she responds. Does she invite you to repeat what you said? Does she attempt to close the subject by declining to offer an opinion? Is she scrolling on her phone? How she responds will indicate to what extent she cares about paying attention and gives her an opportunity to self-correct.
If this doesn’t change anything, it could be time to be more direct. Ask yourself, am I being a friend to myself by allowing someone to treat me like this? It’s unfair to do all the listening and never feel heard in a conversation. You deserve people in your life who not only hear you but are listening to you. Here’s a simple formula I came up with to address issues like this with loved ones. Let’s call this formula ‘POWER’:
Positive affirmation: I love/care about/appreciate you…
Outline issue: I’ve noticed that it/I don’t like when/I’m struggling with…
Why: I’m bringing this up because…
Explain how it makes you feel: When this happens I feel…
Resolution: I need…
I think this approach is the gentlest way to address a problem with someone you’re sure cares about you very much and is open to changing their behaviour. I sincerely hope that this is the case for you and you’re able to overcome this together.
If the behaviour continues, take some time to reflect. Some people, for a myriad of reasons, sincerely struggle to de-centre themselves and may never change. It’s up to you decide if you’re willing to remain in a friendship like this or not. Honour your standards for the kind of friendships you want in your life and make a decision accordingly.
I wish you the best of luck!
Let me know your thoughts on this one. What advice you would give Mia? If you enjoyed this newsletter, be sure to subscribe, comment and share. Speak soon!
Who doesn’t have ( or had ) a friend or relative like that?
I learned to scroll my phone and change subjects when relatives are unavoidable. And to choose better friends.
My real friends and I call these people “By the way, I…”😆