Is It My Fault He Ghosted?
Exciting news! I’m launching a new Patreon called The Sonder Stories. Warning: It’s VERY adult and not safe for work, so it’s not recommended for under 18s. I’ll be writing short comics, profoundly exploring sex and relationships in the lives strangers. The lowest tier is £1 and the highest is £5. This is a great way to support my work and be part of amazing discussions and a community. Stay tuned!
More exciting news: March’s postcard club is open and will be closing on the 15th of this month so if you want to join, head over to the Rehab For the Heart Postcard Club and treat yourself to some encouraging art and words. That’s all! Now let’s get into this…
I was ghosted! The ghoster in question was a seemingly sweet, nerdy guy whose awkwardness I found endearing and wholesome. We went on two dates and he asked me out on a third date. Admittedly, I was very excited and relieved to have made it to more than one date in this dreadful dating economy, and with someone I actually like. I also believe a successful third date is a sign that things are going in the right direction. I was hoping this time we could have those deeper conversations and establish a bit of intimacy. But as the days crept up, his communication dwindled, and on the day of the date I wasn’t at all surprised that he had to rain check because he was ‘too busy.’ I’m not surprised that he hasn’t reached out since then and that I’ve effectively been ghosted.
Luckily, I have what I need to cope with the disappointment of being ghosted. Anyone who actively dates will have experienced ghosting at some point in their love life. It’s an increasingly normalised behaviour and a cop out alternative to actually communicating your feelings before breaking things off with someone. Whenever I’m ghosted, I find ways to centre myself, be that talking it out, writing all my thoughts and feelings down, reminding myself that I’m a bad bitch and don’t deserve to be ghosted, and although slightly toxic but extremely helpful, writing a list of icks about the ghoster in question. All of this helps me feel better in no time.
In addition to the empowering self-talk, I try to look back at the behaviours that lead me to being ghosted. On the one hand, most of the time it’s not our fault when we’re ghosted. Unless you’re exhibiting clearly horrendous behaviours that would warrant being cut off immediately, it should be common courtesy to communicate the end of something. However, the unhealed parts of me that govern my self-esteem occasionally override these rational thoughts. Was I too keen? Did I talk too much or too little? Did I overestimate his interest? Was I the only one who enjoyed the dates? It’s hard not to place some blame on myself. Deep down I know that even if these things were true, I still don’t deserve to be ghosted.
Looking back, I regret tolerating the poor communication and question why I hoped to hear from someone who clearly didn’t want to talk to me. I’m one of those people who likes to talk to the person I’m dating at least once a day. That’s a deal breaker for me and I owe it to myself to stand firmly in that standard. The slow, half-arsed communication should have been my opportunity to say, ‘hey, this was fun but I’m looking for someone with a similar communication style to me. I don’t think this will work. Goodbye!” Or something along those lines. Maybe less robotic.
Unfortunately, there’s usually no way to find out why you were ghosted. Yes, you could ask, but there’s no guarantee you’d get a genuine response from a person who lacks the emotional intelligence not to ghost in the first place. So here are some possible reasons:
They are emotionally unavailable
They have an avoidant attachment style and are either unaware or couldn’t communicate this
They’re seeing other people or in another relationship
They were only hoping for sex and weren’t interested in anything beyond that
They weren’t that into you and didn’t know how to tell you without feeling guilty
They weren’t that into you and didn’t care enough to tell you this
These are just a few reasons. There’s a thousand reasons out there and millions of people who will never know because they were never told by the ghoster. It sucks but it’s just one of those shitty things that comes with dating.
On the bright side, I know I dodged a bullet. Imagine if he did like me and we started dating. That avoidant behaviour would definitely translate elsewhere in the relationship. In what other ways would he ghost me? Would he have disappeared in other situations where emotional intelligence is required? We all deserve someone who’s emotionally courteous at every stage of the relationship. Therefore, we can thank the ghoster for telling us who they are and wasting no further time.
Thank you for reading this one! If you enjoyed it, like, share, comment, subscribe, passive-aggressively put in your socials so the ghoster sees it and learns something today! Speak to you soon.
