I’m seeing a man who’s really great. He is funny, tender, energetic, creative, and intelligent.
These aren’t traits I was paying attention to on the first date or the second. In fact, I found him too chipper, too nice, and his curiosity about me suspicious. I searched desperately for red flags, making mental notes of anything that could veil sinister ulterior motives I’d discover down the line. I’d call my sisters and friends and list everything that was wrong with him. Every single person told me that I needed to calm tf down and focus on the good things. Although I’m slowly allowing myself to do this, I can’t help but notice how difficult it is.
This new romance is challenging me to look within. Montreal Man (this is a lazy name for him until I think of something better) isn’t shy with his observations about me. The other day he randomly pointed out, ‘you never say my name when you talk to me.‘ In response, I jokingly blurted out his name, but in the back of my mind, it made me realise that I hardly say anyone’s name to them in conversation. It’s such a small, seemingly insignificant detail about me but perhaps it does matter hugely. It’s one of the many ways I avoid meaningful intimacy and he’s the first person to point it out.
In the past, my tendency to recoil at deep emotional intimacy, declarations of feelings and anything that could remotely give me the ick were often met with frustration and hurt. This is very understandable on their part but it made me feel like this cold, unfeeling weirdo. Montreal Man, on the other hand, is more curious than phased about my habit of pulling away which is something I really appreciate.
When I’m with Montreal Man it feels safe and healing to connect. Yes, my traumas are working overtime to convince me that I’ll be abandoned, abused, and rejected but my hopes and optimism are allowing me to celebrate romance for once. I’m enjoying going to farmers market with him and picking out ingredients to make lunch together. I love watching 1970s horror movies with him late at night cuddling on the sofa. I love co-working together, working quietly while he’s in a meeting and then immediately after declaring how much we missed each other in those 30 minutes. It’s all very nice and I have to believe I deserve it because I really do.
Yes, I am somehow anxious and avoidant but I’m confident that I’m in a place where I can consciously work on it. No matter how it goes with Montreal Man, there’s no denying how healing it is for me to be cared for, seen, and celebrated in this way. This feeling doesn’t start and end in my romance with him but can be within me too. I’m glad this time has taught me that and I hope I can give these things back to myself.
Thank you for reading this somewhat incoherent and vulnerable ramble! I wish there were more real accounts of budding romances and not just the glamour of established relationships. If I’m going to be online I want to tell the truth about my humanness and I’m grateful that you’re here to witness it.
Speak to you soon!
🤞🏻🤞🏻